The Art of Time Travel

Here in K-Town I have discovered a phenomenal phenomenon, Time Travel.   Although I have only been here for approximately one month, during this time I have begun noticing a rift in the time warp continuum  that only appears to happen here in this magical land.  It is a complicated process that involves 1 Wormhole and a lil theory called the Double Wednesday also known as the Bacterian Camel hypothesis, which all together create the ability to travel through time.

Don't believe me, too bad.  This topic has been thuroughly vetted by myself and my roommate who actually has a PHD in Theoretical Particle Physics over a few glasses of "non" alcoholic beverages, because that would be illegal here if there was for some reason smuggled bottle of Jim Beam that made its way all the way from the Istanbul duty free shop, and lordy knows I have the utmost regard for the local police and their upstanding ways.  As I was saying, through these vigorous debates we have concluded that we actually time travel, not once but actually twice each week while living the dream here in K-Town.  

This is an Astrophysisisist.

How do we time travel exactly?  Does it involve a wacky phone booth and George Carlin? Not really, but that would be pretty fucking excellent and most triumphant! Does it involve any sort of hallucinogenics, in which I am not really time traveling but really stoned? Definitely not, this place has not quite figured out how to have a classy weed dispensary on every corner like say Denver or Los Angeles.  

I will tell yall what it does involve, quantum physics and a hefty amount of free time on our hands sitting around the casa to develop something soooooo complex.  I will start by explaining the Double Wednesday Theory. Here, the week begins on Saturday which is kinda like Monday, which in tern makes Sunday, Tuesday, and so on and so forth if you follow this logic.  Is that time travel?  Well not really, but stay with me friends.   As this wacky week unfolds, around Monday aka K-Town Wednesday things get a bit fishy.  In a normal week, Wednesday or Humpday is the mid week fiesta that says, "Hey, everything is gonna be ok, soon enough it will Thursday, which is kinda like baby friday, and then the TGIF comes right at ya and it nothin but margaritas, nachos, and a high school football team masquerading as the University of Colorado the next afternoon" Yet here in K-Town, Monday, our Wednesday actually happens twice.  Since everyone here works six days a week, you actually get a Double Wednesday (My Monday and Tuesday), or Double Humpday( get the Camel reference now...... wakka wakka).   Kinda like a two day long Groundhod Day each week, where you get all jazzed up for the day that signifies that the work week is half over, only to live it all over again the next day. Frown Face. 

If you are not convinced of this time travel logic, well here is more irrefutable evidence, discovered by my roomies and myself, via the Paj Shambey WormHole (That be what we call Thursday here, Paj Chambay).  Since you are already up on our logic on which of my days corresponds to which of your days, we can bypass splaining it all over again and get down to brass tacks, the Wormhole. 

Everyone familiar with TGIF?  Good, it will make it a whole lot easier. 

So K-Town we have ourselves TAIP or Thank Allah Its Paj Shambey, as Thursday really becomes the big night on the town.  Now with all the ex-patriots living here, not talking bout Teddy Bruschi yall, but the folks like me and others who get paid heaps of dough to come up with ideas of how to make Afghanistan a bit less Afghanistany(all with good intentions mind you, even if at times misguided, but we will get after that another time). For the most part these folks are from western nations and enjoy themselves  good ole hootanany each and every TGIF or TAIP in our case.  Being a nation where the all-mighty dollar gets you anything you need, with the right amount of loot and right connections there are plenty ways to get after a western style TAIP. 

This is Pretty Much What Paj Shambey Looks and Feels Like. 

Speakeasy rooms of really nice restaurants or just old fashioned partay's are the usually affairs for these expats to get their crunk on.  Here is where the time travel happens.  Each and every Paj Shambay ex-pats get their groove on and awaken with a touch of a hangover on Friday morning, which you think would be like our Saturday here.  Wrong,  instead of figuring out what is next on the docket of illegal hooch and somewhat legal debauchery, it has automatically become Sunday(really Friday here) morning with the beginning of the work week one long couch nap away.   The TAIP Wormhole warps you from Friday night all the way to Sunday morning with Saturday being a distant memory from days of yore in the motherland.  

No Sabado Gigante, no college football, no Blakey Mimosa Breakfasts.  No Saturday.  Just a lazy Sunday day with nothing open round town, people going to mosque, and a whole bunch of Sunday chores like washing spiderman underoos for the soon to ensue week.  Double Frown Face. 

So with all this new information at your disposal, just know that I plan to live vicariously though your own Saturdays and single Wednesdays during my time in K-Town. If you have time, maybe send me a wacky photo of yourself enjoying a Blakey Mimosa, that would be nice. 

Well here is some proof of my time traveling here. 

VayaConDoritos.
xoxoxo
me

Here is a Sk8board That Time Traveled to K-Town From a Much More Racist Past.

This Dude has Time Traveled from 1862 to Modern Day K-Town

Artsy Pic

Old School Mosque on a Hill by Worky Work

Afghan Premier League Championship! Front Row Seats for the Rumble in the Rubble! Mazar V Herat.

This Ball Time Traveled into the Back of the Net to get Mazar Back in the Mix. 

MailBag!!!

Well, it has been over a week since my departure from los estados unidos, and my guess is that I should start being comfortable with my new digs and locale. The answer is yes and sure why not.   Moving to a weird place, getting used to weird things, eating weird bits, and meeting real awesome poeple(I bet ya thought I was gonna say weird there, well too bad, the people here are pretty great so far, although I do have a few fashion tips for the hombres......) becomes a bit normal pretty much after the first time is my guess, I am only two weeks deep so far, but will keep you updated through the worldwideweb.

My new spot has dos lovely perros, which will not be eaten(frown face, bur probably for the best as I kinda enjoy their company, and they keep the badmen away), a tv full of movies which are then chalk full of Indian commercials repeated 2-3 times each commercial break, and one badass Targah.  What is a Targah you ask?  Well a Targah is our housdude, who pretty much keeps it real 24-7, and whose job is to also keep to badguys away while wearing a stylish purple jacket.  Gotta have a gate opened, Targah got it.  Gotta have some house stuff taken care of, Targah got it.  What about having an fun conversation in half english and half dari, where nobody really gets the answer but all seem to enjoy the process nonetheless, Targah definitely got that. One thing Targah don't got is a beer less then $10 bucks out here.  This is a Targah.

Most importantly I have been getting accustomed to almost everyone thinking that I am an Official Afghan, and not the rug, a person.  From the folks at work, to my new good friend Generalisimo Aghbar, to almost everyone on the streets when I happen to cruise out for one of these bad boys(see below), I appear to have the traits of one of the locals, excluding a gnarly unibrow, which is good I guess.  I get into some trouble as soon as I open my mouth and can't say a lick of Dari, but my long term goal is to play the part of a deaf-mute Afghan which should suffice for the next six months.  I mean in a place where literacy is extremely low, the chances of running into the one Afghan who can sign Dari is pretty slim, so I think I'm gonna roll with it.

This is How Kabul Does Burgers

Now after being absent from the states for a few weeks, many people have asked me many questions about just about everywhich thing you can imagine.  To date I have received thousands of requests in ole uncle mugsy's mailbag, wowza, of which I can only answer a select few.  Here are a few of the gems in this weeks mailbag:  


 Dear Rory,

I know you like eating critters of all shapes and forms, so what sort of critters do they serve in Kabul?  Do any of these critters make your tum tum go uh oh?

Regards,
Concerned in Constantinople

Thank for you letter Concerned, and for an answer yes, there are some fantastic critters to eat here.  Mostly in the form of rice and bread.  Yup, experimental eating at its finest.  I would say 90% of the meals I have had, excluding the above goodness and some expat pizza, is a combination of rice with flavor bits, maybe a topping and then bread to eat it with.  This will also be what I eat 90% of the remaining time here.  My guess is that folks here are carb-loading for the big game next weekend, which always actually happens to be the weekend after that. 


Dear Wory,

I heard you were planning to grow your hair weary weary wong while you are in Afghanistan. 
Is that twue?

From,
Lil Timmy
 

Well Lil Timmy, I had hoped to become Afghan's first official top of the head hairlord, lordy knows they got the bottom half of the head covered quite well.  And it always pleases Karen so much to see me wielding a mane, that I really wanted to.   But due to my keen chameleon skills of looking like a local, I am gonna opt for the high and tight look, all while rocking a well chiseled chinstrap beard and Salwar Kameez.  Razzle Dazzle!  If you don't know what a Salwar Kameez is, just look at my man Targah and you get the jist. This should have me fitting right in and not calling too much attention to my infidel ways. 

Fittin Right In

Rory,

How do you travel round the mighty city of Kabul? Are you still a moto madman or have you upgraded to full time car travel?

Cheers,
Cra Cra in Cambodia


Cra Cra, you so, well........Cra Cra.   That is an excellent question, and one of the most popular queries in the mailbag this week.  To be honest, we have two motos that I have to learn how to ride betterer, as they ain't no Bodian machines, but full on motos which have a clutch and all that jazz.  But until that time, we usually roll the mean streets in our hired taxi's or our human people mover the Toyota Vanagan.  Now this city isn't all that big, but the traffic here makes Los Angeles freeways look like Disneyland and Cambodian crazy streets like Lakeside.  It can often take 1 hora plus to get to or from work, which really cuts into my bread and rice time.  But it does give one time to check out how many fucking bullet holes have riddled this place over the last few decades.  Thank goodness it is much safer now, but still makes one think about the shit folks have been through here.

Traffic Jammeroo, if You Look Real Hard with Your Eyeholes, There are Some Definite Bullet Hole Action in the Background. 

That is just about it for this weeks mailbag, maybe there will be some more next week, or I will go with some other thoughtful ideas like, Whats under that burqua? or  Blame it on the Taliban, Waka Waka!  or Who know's.  My guess is that in the next week or so I will see something interesting to ramble about, like the road accident which occurred this morning between a horse-buggy and a bicycle.  Pretty funny, also pretty sure the horse dented it's front fender but all seemed ok, hence the funnyness. 

Whelp until next time.

Welcome to K-Town

More K-Town

Yup Even More K-Town

One Cookie and One Rickey. Keepin the Badman at Bay

Adios Amigos and Vaya con Doritos.