Whaaaaaaats Up! Howdy folks its been many moons since I last got my Angela Lansbury on hit the ole keyboard/pad/shiny things. Sorry for that, I feel that I have let myself down, and more importantly you all. Won't happen again, I will kinda promise that to you right now.
How's things? Yeah, I know I miss you too, no no, you keep going. Uh huh, Uh huh, well that sounds nice. Really you don't say. Wow that is interesting. I know, right, don't get me started on her...... Oh, enough about you, you want to hear about me.
Well, I am back in the Bodia keeping as fresh and clean as possible, given my current sweaty conditions. Almost forgot the fun amount of skin ailements and tumrumbs that come along with living life on the equator or close enough to it. Almost being the key word here. Almost.
I have been keeping busy, mostly catching up with some old amigos, meetin some new ones, and remembering how to drive a moto properly. More importantly I have been scheming on a pretty fun and interctaive blog post yall. It was gonna be great, real great, maybe the best one I have ever concocted. Another key word here, was.
You see I had been snapping photos of everything that you could buy on this side of the planet for a $1, 1 Buck, 4 Quarters, 10 Dimes, 20 Nickles, and really who the fuck cares about 100 Pennies, honestly that's just annoying. And it wasn't just gonna be about you get this 1 thingy for one dollar. You know me better than that, it was gonna be all sorts of highfalutin math equations in which I would grab my Bob Barker skinny microphone, harass a couple females, and give you items like beer, ice coffee with condensed milk( by the way have you ever seen anybody catch type-2 diabeetez in just under four months, nope, well just wait I am on my way cuz I can easilly crush about 3-12 a day and am well on my way), pork and rice, petrol, bags of green drink, cups of green drink, babies(you think Angie paid more than a buck each for all thems, come on get real), moto rides, ice cubes, fried bugs, and whathaveyou. Then you all would need to come up with the best combination for me to spend that dollar, each day of the week for like 2 days or something like that. Had yet to work out the finer points, besides I had the best part, photos of all these wonderous things. Remember our key word? Ok. yes, the second key word. Sorry didn't clarify that before. Was.
So Uncle Roary, why didn't this fun for the whole family event never hit the blogosphere? Cuz I got my phonebox slash picture machine jacked by a Vietnamese temptress, aka Srey Chow Vietnam( thats how you say Vietnamese Temptress in Khmer). Long story shorter. My roommate Lek Lek and I were waking home on the late late. We were a block or two from our hotel, when... Pow! Round the corner come a pack of female Vietnamese She-Devils, don't get em confused with the male Vietnamese She-Devils, which is an entirely different story. These She-Devils looked normal and ordinary, but came in hard and started grabbing all on my goodies and not so goodies, asking if I wanted a "Massage" and I was like ewwwwww, cuz they were pretty sketchy looking( have you ever seen a Vietnamese She-Devil, not pretty, although the non she-devils are quite pleasant and smell nice) and I really didn't want a massage either, it was late and I was pretty ty ty. Well after successfully(or so I thought) fending the wild pack of She-Devils off and another block or two, I noticed something. Akmean iPhone. Uncle Lorli had been hoodwinked :(
While a few of these She-Devils had been grabbing at me like I was a piece of fruit-by-the-foot, another slyly stolt my phone. The ole distracto move. So anyways, after realizing it was gone, using my puter to call Amurica and the phone peeps, that its not me making all sorts calls to Hoi An and Hanoi, I realized my saddest moment, all my precious blog fotos "was" on that phone. So its kinda like you lost your iPhone too.
All is not lost kiddos, nosiree, we will just have to use our imaginatron's for future blogging purposes, until I get my shit together and find a new camera and or phonera out this way.
Now before I go, I am going to get something off my chest, Bruce McCulluch style, with an Open Letter to Srey Chow Vietnam, cuz I know you gots the internet lady, its on my fucking phone:
Dear Srey Chow Vietnam,
Don't pretend like you don't remember me, yeah me. They guy in the pink shirt, blue pantalones, and blanco spaitchuns. The guy whose phone you and your pack of She-Devils stole. What you think I didn't need that phone, like maybe my pants were too high, and I was just using it to weigh em down a lil? Well no thats not the case, obviously you know that, why else would you steal it, its a high grade piece of future technology made by slave labor.
It's got maps on there, which I used to navigate your city and mostly away from you and your She-Devils. It also has a bunch of games on there too, some of which I had put a lot of effort into. Like my Temple Run score, I know you are a thief, but honestly you gotta respect those numbers right. I would prefer that you start a new character from the beginning on that one, as to not soil my good name with your obvious soon to be poor performance.
Lets talk about tunes, you were lucky enough to steal a phone loaded chalk full with some really fun playlists, and maybe some new music that you are now really into. When you tell your other hipster She-Devils, that you have been listening to the new Tame Impala album for months and waaaaaaay before them other She-Devils was all into it, stop for a moment and thank me, the guy whose phone you stolt. You are fucking welcome.
Picture capabilities are decent, I had fun with it, now I guess you will too. You might be like whats with all these fotos on here, and I am like those are my memories biyatch, thanks for taking them too. You see its not just a box of tungsten bits minced together to make it so you can talk to people, actually quite clearly halfway across the world, oh no. There is a heart and soul in there, and it was mine. And no its yours I guess.
Also, just in case you drop it while you are trying to jack some other dude just walkin home for some shut eye, or get caught in a rainstorm, of which you and I both know there are many, just thank the Otterbox case, newly purchased I might add, which will keep it cozy, safe, and dry. Its blue too, which I think compliments the phone nicely, and will hopefully contrast with your evil red eyes.
Now don't pretend like you ain't reading this, I know you have the internet, its on my fucking phone, and its already got the password for wifi to any Trung Nguyen coffee shop in Saigon. My hope is that you are sitting in one of them cafes when you are reading this, and your Cafe Sua Da is only mediocre and possibly has some out of date condensed milk in it that gives you some tumrumbs fierce( I don't want you to die or anything, just some mild discomfort really).
Well Srey Chow, I feel a bit better after venting, thanks for at least listening, I coulda put it on a podcast too, as you have that capability now too, obviously. If we meet again I at least expect a hearty thank you, and a coupon for that free massage that you promised.
XOXO
Lorli
