Sup Dudettes and Dudes. It has been officially one month in Mazar-e-Sharif. People be all like whats your new place like, how many skyscrapers are there, what sort of cool stuff is going down? Is there a Friday Night Fish Fry that you get your grub on the reg? Where is the closest BK, and do they have croissanwiches(Actually there is one here at the base with Whoppers TM galore for all our fightin folks over here). And So on And So Forth.
Well to answer these queries and more, I have officially come to the conclusion that the best way to describe to yalls my new desert paradise is by imagining the town of Mos Eisley on the delightful desert planet of Tatooine in Star Wars. You 'member Mos Eisly right? Its the magical town where Obi Wan takes lil Luke and they meet that roguish Han Solo and the lovable Chewy. Its all dusty and filled with mercenaries, gangsters, imperial guards, greedos and cantina folk, young jedis, old jedis, yada yada yada. Well guess what, this place pretty much has all the same stuff, plus an amazing Blue Mosque which is beautiful.
See Told Ya.
I digress, back to the Mos Eisley chit chat. I have come up with a way to better describe the folks inhabiting my new spot.
Gangsters. Check( although officially referred to as Warlords, and this place is full of them. Everything from low level minions cruising around to High Level Generalissimo's in full convoy)
Mercenaries. Check( aka military contractors. These are the dudes who are in the know about all the good stuff. Usually ex-military from some point in their lives, they now make a living keeping folks like the gangsters and cantina folk safe from the bad men)
Imperial Guards. Check( got the German Base here with plenty of soldiers and for extra fun times and all the illegal pig products one could want)
Greedos. Check( my guess is that there is at least one trixy-double-crossing dude here. Just try buying stuff at the market. Amazing the shit people pull. Was looking at a belt the other day and the dude wanted 40 dollars for it. It had a nail, a fucking nail for a buckle and was made of scrap leather So yes, looking at it that way, there are plenty of greedos here)
Cantina Folk. Check( I would give this to the expat crowd here, as we are the only ones partaking in the 2 "Cantina's" in Mazar, buying overpriced beers, and there is even a dude who brings his guitar to every expat function to play music quite similar to this: http://starwars.com/watch/episode_4_creature_cantina.html He also plays a stunning cover of Elvis Prezzly's "In the Ghetto." Ever hear that song sung by a Swiss dude, "As the snow flies, On a cold and gray Chicago mornin'
A poor little baby child is born........." Off key and in a foreign accent)
Young and Old Jedis. Probably Check( I have yet to see one in the flesh, I figure there is some dudes all like "These aren't the droids you are looking for". Then I realized that we drive through checkpoints on the daily, and flash a kharagee smile, and get waved through like we got mind control. All like, "Yo we are not the Talibs you are looking for." Whoa, maybe we are jedis. Shit yeah, I have always wanted to be a jedi, or possibly a dude who has an intergalactic spaceship and nicely feathered hair. Either way not bad)
In my Mazar/Mos Eisley home we cannot go around shooting wamp rats in Beggar's Canyon for fun, but I have heard that there are some interesting animal fights I can partake in for leisurely gambling. So far I have heard of dog fights, cock fights, bird fights, and camel fights( also lets not forget the human fights taking place on the reg here). I have yet to see any myself, but if enough fan mail comes in for a fighting critter post, then you best believe that I will make it happen. I got nothin else to do honestly.
Technically there are some impromptu dog fights every fucking night outside of our house. But I am pretty sure these are not for any betting purposes, but rather dogs fighting for the best bits from the garbage dump outside the front gates and to equally keep me from slumbering into dreamland. Did I forget to mention we have a garbage dump outside the front gates, hmmmmmmm, musta slipped my mind. But yes, just like Bodia, livin next to garbage again.
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| Tusken Raider Territory |
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| Jawa House |
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| Deserty Goodness |
Also in this magical land there are some new and fun stories in which I can send your way, some of which I have witnessed directly and another which a friend of a friend who knows this guy who knows this girl who saw Ferris pass out at 31 Flavors last night, so you know it must be legit.
Story 1. Coupla days ago, we was doing some driving through downtown Mos Eisely and as per the usual there are some lil beggar kids asking for some cash. Now per company policy we dont give loot to the lil street bachas, as it only perpetuates a cycle of street begging, yada yada. Well this particular day there was also a wedding caravan cruising through at the same time. This wedding caravan also got hit up for some monies, and instead of just ignoring the youngster, a Grown Ass Man got out the car and began to beat the child. No fucking joke. Punching with grown up angry fists of fury, on a child. Nobody even batted an eye on the busy street, business as usual. Dude got back in his caravan, probably went and found himself a bacha bazi http://afpak.foreignpolicy.com/posts/2013/10/28/an_afghan_tragedy_why_rampant_pedophilia_is_a_hurdle_to_peace This place is fucking crazy.
Story 2. Coupla days before a coupla days ago, there were some youngsters you lost their kite over the wall at work. Since it is kite fighting season, did I forget to mention that they fight inadiment objects here too, my B, there is all sorts of kites flying through the daytime sky. So on this day I am walking to the park for a lil afternoon shred session, and see two bachas pointing at a kite on the ground. Now with my extremely limited Dari, I still understood, "Yo dude, hook us up and give us back the kite so we can get back to playing." So I obliged, picked up the kite and began to hand it over to the youngsters hanging on the fence. Little did I know that they were not in cahoots on this kite flying mission, but rather both trying to get me to give them the kite. I passed the kite into their lil hands and as they both grabbed for it and then tore it to pieces trying to take it from the other. No kites for nobody. This isn's a great story honestly, but I like to think of it as a mini-microcosm of this entire place, like my own lil morality tale.
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| Kite Fightin Yall |
Story 3. This shit is so good that one cannot even fathom how to make it up, as it would be almost too hard to come up with. FYI its probably PG 18 or more for its salacious content. A friend of mine Kate told me this story: One of her colleagues who is fluent in Dari, although he is not Afghan, overheard her organizations drivers discussing stuff drivers discuss at lunch. This days lunch discussion was regarding one drivers wifey problems. To be more specific this, his wife during intercourse was "too" lubricated which he didn't like whatsoever. His solution to this problem, instruct his wife to put sand into her "area" in order to dry things up, as we all know sand has this amazing quality. Got an oil spill, add some sand, knock over a gallon of milk, add some sand. Wife too moist, youbetcha, sand. With me so far? Now things take another fun and amazing turn, the couple then continues to make whoopie after the desertification of the wife's reproductive organs. What happens as the result, the man now has some sort of rash on his junk from the sandy sex, which he is now currently upset with his wife about, and discussing over lunch with other drivers and listening ears.
You are now free to enjoy your day.
Khodafez.
Lorli
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| Street Horsey |
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| Mean Streets of Mos Eisley |
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| SpeederBike! |
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| One of Tatooine's 2 Suns |
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| The other of Tatooine's 2 S |
