Lets get down to brass tacks here, and get after this weeks agenda. Car Wars! Now we all love how much I love motos. Here in K-Town they exist, but nearly in the same fashion as my previous home. The main method of transport here are cars, mainly two varieties to be exact; Toyota Corollas and anything that you can strap guns to, dudes, and dudes with guns. Don't be alarmed, the dudes with guns especially the biggest ones are mostly NATO and my and your friends. The rest are Afghan security amigos who really don't give a fuck about anyone, but the dude who is paying them to keep him extra safe, which means lil ole Rory aint even on their radar, which is good. What is bad about these wanna be Road Warriors is that both sides don'e like having fotos tooked of them, and potentially will get all Master Blaster on ya if you approach them closely. So I don't and they don't, problem solved. But it also means that I don't really have a lot of photogenic proof that these dudes exist. Lo Siento.
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| This Guy Means Bizniz |
Although I do have some proof of the other set of Road Warriors, the Afghan Corolla, and the specialness that is them. One reason they are extra special is that literally every car on the road, besides the ones that have firepower, are Corollas. If anyone is looking to break into the import/export biz, I suggest buying shitty used Corollas in Adams County and selling them here for plenty of bucks, cuz that is the only car a legit Afghan will drive. And when I say drive, I don't really mean drive in the sense you and I drive, but rather a more sedentary style of sitting in traffic for hours on end as K-Town's roads are torn up creating endless traffic jams. It doesn't help that this also might be the capital for the most selfish ridiculous driving I have ever witnessed. In like the "My lanes not going fast enough, well fuck oncoming traffic, lets just try and make a few more, cuz wherever I gotta go it definitely cannot wait an extra 5 minutes?" Which then causes even more traffic fuck ups because the third lane then makes folks on the oncoming lanes get all wild and and eventually you have an Afghan stand off. Cars and their drivers just looking at each other, with no where to go.
What does one do when this happens, well I am not sure about everyone else, but I love to check out what is my second most favorite thing in K-Town, Car Art! Side bar, if you don't want to get into the import/export biz, you could easily make some loot putting decals on Corollas. These car decals and just general adornments are pretty sweet, and range from the absolutely absurd to the ridiculously absolutely insanely absurd, see below for photogenic proof. I have been able to chronicle a few of these bad boys while to and fro my jobby job, and not nearly enough of them, but I think I have a few goodies in here. My personal favorites are those with classic misspelt wordages on them. Extra Side Bar, if you want to make some money here and not import/export or apply Corolla decals, you can just get into the car decal spell check biz and make a fortune as well.
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| And So Does This Guy |
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| Key Word Being Intalugent |
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| That Stuff Will Kill Ya Bro |
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| No Clue On This But I Like It |
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| Not Sure Exactly How Much Horse Power One Needs to Best a Ferrari, But.......... |
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| Already On It Big Guy |
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| Probably Something About Being Awesome Is My Guess |
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| That Is A Well Manicured Pitch |
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| Nuff Said |
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| This Baby Is Literally "On Board" |
Hope you enjoyed them photos of Car Art, I know I did. Now time for some expat stories. Everybody gots em here, and now you do too. Yayyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Extra Extra Extra Side Bar, these stories are word of mouth so who knows if they are actually true, but in my heart of hearts and with the shit I have seen in just about two months here in K-Town, I believe them to be verdad, or at least one of them, as it is from a pretty credible source.
Story uno begins at a construction site somewhere in Afghanistan, not sure exactly where, but that really doesn't matter, just the fact that it is a construction site. Now we are all used to seeing the Port-O-Potty at said sites, and here they also provide defacto banos for their workers. Sounds good enough right and pretty normal. Well here comes the twist. Wait for it.....Wait for it...... Ok here it is. Seems that for some reason (and I literally have no fucking clue why, like fucking literally no clue) that there was a lack of or inability to use toilet paper at this job site. Not sure why as I said, but that is besides the point. Now lets take a guess on what was used. Take a few seconds here, I got time..................... Ok got an answer? Well guess what, Wrong. Wanna know how I know cuz nobody would guess Rocks and Stones as a possible way of wiping ones culito. But yup, that what was going down here. So much so, that the toilets were getting clogged due to this action. Wanna know how they prevented this from occurring again once the management found out. Chiles, rubbed all over the stones. Gives a new meaning to the phrase "hot hole." Fucking love it.
Story dos begins begins in the countryside, which I have yet to visit, yet from all accounts outside of K-Town and other large cities here most if and or all bets are off out that away. Well as this story goes l am told, there was the a dude who probably was a bit lonely, how do I surmise that, just read the next sentence silly. I surmise it cuz the next part of the story is this, he gets caught fucking a sheep. Being the country, just about every major decision is deliberated by Village Elders, and this this case there is a whole lot of deliberation going on. Not for what you think though, yes, not whether or not the act is right or wrong and deserves punishment, nope. That would be to simple, and just sound like a story from Fort Collins( I still STRONGLY dislike CSU to this day FYI). The village elders in this case were not arguing over the rightness or wrongness, but rather arguing about the concept that this man should probably be married to the sheep if he is going to have intercourse with it. It is a very religious country yall, and this plays a role in every aspect of life, including sheep fornication. But this story gets even better, and a tad more complex. They weren't just arguing about marriage, but also the price of the dowry that needs to be paid, as this particular sheep didn't actually belong to the gentleman that fancied her, and no bride in this country gets married in this country without a sale price(probably gonna be some rambling on that at some point in the near future). Not sure about the actual sale price, but lets just assume all parties lived happily every after. WoW!
Yup. That just happened, your mind literally probably just fell out of your skull.
I will leave you on that note, as I gotta get some rest all this bloggin has made me sleepy.
Here is a video for your viewing pleasure in my absence.
http://videosift.com/video/Bill-Murray-as-the-lounge-singer-Nick-Winters-from-SNL?loadcomm=1
XOXXOXOX
Heru(one of my new Afghan names), AKA Rory
Next Time, Guest Blogging from the Land Down Under! Mexico! Viva Los Cumpleanos de Ned and Jesse D Efe style.
