VAYA CON DORITOS: December 2012

RadiKal!

Howdy Yall and Feliz Navidads to todos mis amigos out there.

If you are all the sudden wondering, hey this isn't the site I was looking for. Check your browser bud, and you accidentally typed in "Bozkashi", and not the Japanese stuff you were probably looking for. No worries and no judgements here, feel free to read along and join the fun, we are all friends.

Anyhow back to where I was, ah yes, a Feliz Navidad and Festive Kwanzaa to all. So while I am figuring out what sort of fun can be had this Xmas in K-Town, not much really, all the expat amigos are gone along with the high school bonanzas, and pretty sure that not too many folks celebrate it here. Kindofa bummer, cuz all you gotta do is make a list and some dude basically brings you tons of free shit. Everybody loves free shit right. Maybe I will let a couple of my close friends here in on the secret. Maybe.........

Well in lieu of hitting up some holiday fiestas and eggnogging it up, like yall, I chose rather to partake in some sporting events here in lovely K-Town. Well actually in the hills outside of K-Town, down a couple muddy roads and past like a billion military checkpoints. FYI if anyone is looking for some free massages, just give me a ringle and we can roll past every checkpoint in the city and you will be totally satisfied and more. Military hands all over yourself. FYI if you hate airport security, don't give me a ringle and just wait for me to return, cuz you will be literally Man-Handled with authority here.

Sorry sidetracked again, now back to our original programming, sports. Buzkashi! Know what that is? If you guessed one of the craziest sports ever invented then you are correct. If you guessed horses biting horses, horses biting dudes, dudes biting horses, and one dead calf, then you also get a point as well. If you didn't guess either, don't worry you are still my friend, maybe....... Just kidding, I heart you.

Basically this is a "sport" where teams of 12 dudes and twelve horsies, square off and try to drag a dead headless calf down a muddy field around a flag, 1 point, then back down the muddy field to the circle where the dead critter would started, 2 points. Easy Peezy. Except for the fact that the dead critter is real fucking heavy, like a hundred plus pounds, and there are dudes on horsies chasing you all over the goddam place. PETA would have a fucking field day with sport to say the least. Like everybody would be covered in paint.

The nuances of this sport are still a bit beyond me, but from what I saw, you got big horsies for blocking and lil itty bitty horsies for picking up the dead critter and running for glory. But because the critter is heavy, one cannot really pick it up clean and easy, but rather pick it up, ride for 20 yards, then usually it falls. Once it falls, then back to square one, which is both teams crowding around trying to regain the prize. This man on horse action actually takes the longest as the high points are few and far between, and is when one would really kill for a beer sitting in the stands. See Below.

Yup. That's Pretty Much it.........

Some fun parts here are when someone and his steed decides to get wile-n-out, rear up and charge through the crowd with authority. This gets a bit hairy, and probably pretty fucking dangerous. Although the match I saw was pretty tame, from what I hear, its pretty common to lose a toe or a life in this game, especially in the provinces, where dudes are pretty badass, ok more like real badass. Like always I snapped some photos for your viewing pleasure.

Bitey Practice

This Was The Team I Was Rootin For! K-Town Broncos!

Even Kiddos Heart Horsies!

Even Hired Guns Heart Horsies!

K-Town


Lets Get Ready to rUmBLe!

Look at the Dude in Front in Red. He Got It!

Just a Couple of Generals

This Dude Dominated

Half Time Entertainment

No day of Buzkashi would be complete without a lil pageantry, and luckily we got to see some generals riding around, and then even lunch at Uncle Fahim's house(Marshal Mohammad Fahim, google him if you like, interesting shit).

I know yall be ready to spend some Xmas with some loved ones, but thanks for listening. Feliz Navidad to yall and to yall a good night.

Besos

Lorli

While sitting around this double Wednesday I started thinking about what doing get into a K-Town groove these last few weeks. For starters, I have begun to partake in things which make me feel like I am a normal human and not just some dude living and working in a compound.   Fun filled events like making badass plates of nachos or sleeping in until noon on my day off have been a few of the easer tasks accomplished in my free time. Looking for good ole Amurican goods, like Dr Pepper, Reeses, Gatorades and whatever has fallen off a big rig in these parts at the Finest Supermarket also passes the time and fills the tummy. One gem that I recently stumbled across was whole cans of Betty Crocker Fun Chip Frosting, which I proceeded to eat with a spoon, Wolfeyes Style, to the disgust of my Euro roomies. Boom! Take that!

As I keep looking for things to make me feel like a cool kid I have discovered two things that I quite enjoy, 1. going to expat parties aka high school parties and B. Thrift Store Choppin aka Bazaaring like a boss. I will take a look at each their entirety and give you a glimmer into what keeps a young buck like me feeling sane in probably one of the craziest places this side of the Bosporus.

First, and only first because I have been to quite a few, are ex-pat fiestas. Unlike what yall(and me too when I am there) do back home, go to the local watering hole, get some eats, have a beverage with friends, and chit chat the night away, we have a bit of a different scene here.   The best way to explain the scene here is to close your eyes real hard. Keep em closed, now think of high school. Now think of how each glorious week, some kids parents would go out of town, in which most everyone would plan on going said kids house somewhere on Pierce St and try to have a "good" time before the SweetRidge PoPo brought their mustachioed visages and bad attitudes to the scene. Pretty much the exact same here, almost, except for the PoPo part( Sidebar there is a shitload of PoPo here with Mustaches and really shitty attitudes to boot, but they normally don't give hoot about an expat partay, different priorities I guess.) Here are a few of the correlations between high school and expat fiestas :

Guest List- Gotta know the right folks to get into the Partay fo sho.   Sometimes I does Sometimes I doesn't but the best way to get into one of these suarays if you aint on the kewl kid list is to work on your upsidedown reading skills and find a name that hasn't been checked off, and go with that. So far I have been Roya, Raja, Robert, and had a super time and no problems. Usually you know people in there already so once you are in like Flynn its nothing but Fun tImes USA and an assortment of imbibables. See point 2

Imbibables- In a land of "illegal" fun, and yes pretty much any kind of fun you can think of is definitely illegal, one needs to get clever. But really not too clever, maybe just clever enough to know the right folks I guess. As a local "Fixer" told my roommate regarding a Visa problem, "This is Afghanistan. You can get anything done." And boom there it is, because this is the land of rules, and exceptions to each and everyone of them, finding some illegal fun at an expat party is only a phone call and a bunch of $$$$. Since Team Coldistan is relatively much poorer than most expats, we usually just show up and start showing the nerds how to get down with their high salary purchased hooch(If Tonkel comes out, watch out expat nerds you are in for a show. Ps Mom Tonkel is not me, or an alter ego of me, but rather a wiley scotsman at his best). Usually these parties involve having a cocktail of warm whatever and then warm mixer of definitely the wrong flavor, because just like in high school, one cannot directly walk into a liquor store and pick up whatever essentials for a party are needed. That would be too easy and nothing here is that easy, trust me. Ever sip on Barcadi Apple and Eggnog, probably not since high school, case in point.

SOS(Same Ole S%!*)- As the expat land of Kabool is pretty small, now matter which expat fiesta you show up at, invite or no, you are bound to run into the same ole folks each week. There are slight variences, such as coming and going partays, but really, and keeping in the theme here, it pretty much just like high school. Same people, different week, same stuff. Even to make it a bit more coolio high school harmony, is the expat dating scene, which is all too vaguely familiar from my younger days. Everybody dating everybody. As for me, well I have yet to find a lucky lady to get locked into a closet with and play 7 minutes in heaven........

Lets switch gears a moment now. We have delved into what some folks, myself included, do to have a bit of fun and a bit of a release from the wackiness of K-Town. Now let me ramble out my new found passion here, BAZZZAAARRRRIIIIINNNNNNGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Three Words: Fucking Awes Ome!

If you are reading this then you obviously know that one of my all time favorite things, besides nachos, is hitting up a thrift store or two in the hopes of finding some gems for myself and whomever whatever additional gems might fit. Ever hit of a thrift store and not find any gems? Happens all the time, thats part of the funocity of it all, the game of used pants chance. Now ever wonder, "Hey how come there aint no gems here today? I mean did some hipster posse roll through and pick out all of the rad/weird shit for their ironic party coming up?" Nope, that didn't happen. I will tell you what did happen, it came here( and by here I mean just about any devleoping/thirdworld/global south/enter name of what white people call places that don't have white people living in them). And I actually also mean K-Town.

So all these tremendous gems all end up on the back of a donkey cart, with and without the donkey, in Bazar ride to the Pharcyde free for all. Ever think the GoodWill is ripping you off charging $1 for a pair of used tidey-whiteys? Guess what they are, cuz factoring all the shipping costs and middle-manning the whole thing my guess is that they are like a Buffalo Nickel round these parts(Side Bar- Mom I haven't been actually buying used undies, I have plenty, it just makes for a fun example)(Extra Sidebar- Zephram Jasper, as my Official Law Dawg can you advise me on whether or not I know what I am talking about in these sidebars? I really like using them.)

Moving on.

Bazaars are rad. I have only been to a few thus far with Tonkel, DJ Fraukes, and Abdul keepin his watchful eye on us, safety first yall. I have yet to visit the infamous el guapo of a Bazaar, Bush Bazaar, which will most likely be a post all on its lonesome one day. So far it has been just good ole fashioned rummaging through the randomness and also a fun place to see all sorts of people for the reals. Being an expat means there are definite places that are a no-go, but here is fun for the whole family place that females are actually allowed to go to. I mean seeing a lady, unburquad, out in public is like seeing Jay Cutler not throw an interception and pout like a baby, doesn't happen. If you are super lucky, your Xmas presents will be Bazaar based, and if you are really lucky I just might wash em for you before they arrive under your tree. Maybe(Uncle Deist, if you are real lucky I will stumble across the Vikings Sweater I saw last week again, but this time, have the Taxi stop for some needed negotiatin on your behalf).

Time for more amateur photos: