Big Time Down South

Howdy Folks! How yall doing on that side of life. Things here are prettty decent these days in the life of good ole me. Days are getting warmer and nights are getting shorter, which means summer times a coming. Yeah like a whole nother summer, and about 8 more months of Jorts!!! Whole lotta man thigh gonna be dropping soon. 

Where do these lucky people live who get to see some sweet thigh action in all its glory? Well it will be south of the equator in a lil place called Africa, South Africa to be exact. Been here just about a month which has given me enough brain fuel to write my first African blog and do some squat thrusts to tone up a bit before I break out the pasty white-faded denim combo about to rock peeps to the core. Made my way down south after a whirlwind of a trip to Amurrica for lil Baby Wolfeyes Aka Mr Little Jeans glorious nuptial.  Quite a hoot and definitely one of the longest/besest weeks to date!

Yay!

So my guess is yall people are like whats it like down there? Are there lions and gazelles just straight chillen on the block? Whats the local eating scene like? How hot is it? Give us some juicy details!

Well there are no live critters around, but what could soon be my newest favorite watering hole has quiet few.   One dude shot and killed pretty much one of each of this continents innocent, soft, furry, lovable animals.  Probably gonna be a whole separate post, because I need to start going more often and figuring what the fuck is really happening there. Its pretty amazinglyawesome and I need to get in good with the proprietor in order to get stories to go along with the photos to be tooken. 

Enough of that jazz. Now listen up closely yall, I want to tell a secret, and its kindofa biggie.  You ready.  OK.  

I HAVE FINALLY MADE IT BIGTIME!!!!!!!  Like bigger than when I thought I was above the law in Bodia!

How have I achieved this you ask? Well let me tell you.  I as a 34 year old dude(yes that is correct 34) I have officially moved back into the dorms!  Fuck Yes you heard right.  I am a 34 year old living in college dorms down here in JoBurg. 

Want to know what I call that, Livin The Fuckin Dream! 

In my mind I kinda like to think of myself as a younger, more roughish, less entertaining Rodney Dangerfield in that one movie from the 80's, and believe me hilarity and hijinks have definitely ensued in the past month.  

I have already been on 4 panty raids with a the new pledges, and we have yet to get caught, although the RA on the third floor is starting to suspect what me and the boys have been up to.  From my fine days at CU (Ranked #1 Partay School in the Nation For Your Info Verification: http://www.dailycamera.com/ci_17835587  Thanks Mom and Dad!  Your $$$ Was Not Wasted).

I have been  teaching all the young bucks and buckettes how to make some dang delish and refined jungle juice(We like to use fresh squeezed OJ and bitters and a touch of cinnamon in our batches to give it that fancy, yet still effective, craft cocktail flavor and penache. Blowing Minds with this stuff yall), holding vicious beer pong training sessions, and finally we have a weekly class making all kinda of different bongs.  Beer Bongs, Reglier Weed Bongs, Castle Light Bongs, Rhino Horn Bongs, we are literally making bongs out of all sorts of things here!

We have yet to break into the deans office, but that is coming right quick once they get their midterm grades, come on I just live in the dorms, I don't go to classes like some 34 year old weirdo. No thank you, I am just fine hanging out with all the youngings when all the shenanigans are going down! Not weird at all. 

In the mean time I have been keepin busy and my best to avoid my hippie tree-huggin recyling neighbors. Man who woulda thought there would be hippies down here makin all sorts of racket.  Just kidding, there are no hippies here, Thank Gawd! But there is a crazy recycling crew that live outside my window. One of the old dudes that lives there gestures for me to come inside some afternoons, but I have yet to take him up on the offer. That might also be a whole nuther blog in itself, when I finally get the huevos to venture there. Lotta thangs to get into in my new locale!

Tree Huggin Recycling Plant

                      Here is a lil sneak peak into what my new life looks like in all its glory.  

Dorm Building in White. 

Gates to Keep the Rif Raf Out and the 34 Year Olds In!

Dorm Mascot!

Super Chill Kitchen(Humans Added For Scale)

Chillax Living Room(Humans Added For Scale)

Lions Den(Thats Definitely Sounds Like Where the Cool 34 Year Old on the 4th Floor Resides to Me)

Whoa.  How Did This Get in Here.  Gotta be Those Dam Alpha Beta's! Always Playing Pranks!  Got Me This Time! 

This Guy Had Waaaaayyyyyyy Too Much Juice at Freshman Hazing Fiesta! (Also Had His Shoes Stolen, No Joke)

JoBurg By Day

Jozi By Night(Jozi Sounds Like a Smooth Jazz Club, So Thats Why Its Used For The Nighttime)

Well I am off to go and see if we can craft a new more-serious high-propulsion beer bong for this weekends Dorm Wars! 4th Floor Gonna Reign Supreme!

Next Installment: Kaizer Chiefs, My New Squad!

Blocked!!!!!!!!!

Sup in that '14 amigooos?

Word.

Really?

That what went down?

No way, I can't believe she did that.  Well Kinda......

Me, well I have been trying out a new lifetag in the first few months: FELINE FREE 14!  Not sure how it is gonna stick but probably gonna roll with it for a bit longer and see whats up. So far this ano I have been out of AFG, leaving Pishak the Destroyer in the dust, only to find myself in the Feline Full Istanbul.  Out of the frying pan and into the fire as my man Baggins says.  But then I was lucky enough to make it to Germany for a few cozy weeks. Berlin for all its hipness still gets down and dirté as proper Germany.  By that  Spending a few weeks in an entire country filled of sausage and beer, sounds like like paradise right? Makes one wonder who wouldn't want to have a country filled to the brim with deliciousness. 

Say it Proud: Feline Free 14!

Maybe there is one... The AFG to be precise. They don't want thems heres, but my real question is have they ever had thems, cuz if so I can fucking guarantee that it would be on just about every table and in most mouths.  My guess is that someone somewhere told somebody that it was real bad news bears and boom, illegal. No questions asked, or it might have a bigger religious significance, maybe. Either way, hose two things are uber-illegal in these part(Insert funny expat folk tale. Sposedly there is a pig at the Kabul zoo, which no Afghan is allowed to touch, and only an infidel is able to take care of, so as long as the pig is there, technically there will be at least one foreigner in this land). Makes it pretty epic when you come across either, which honestly isn't too hard if you have the right amigos. Which at times I do.

This is What I Miss. Frown Face Yall.

These Guys Were There!!!

Whats new with me is your query? Well actually some big I have some breaking news for everyone.  Like pretty epic stuff. My roomie Tbird was checking out an installment of the bloggiest of blogs and came across something extra interesting.  VayaConDoritos has been banned!!!!  Thats right, banned, blocked, illegal as all hell in the AFG!!!!!!!

I have finally made it!!!!!!!

Now I am not sure by whom, but most likely the internet company there, Etisalat has deemed it inappropriate.   Although I would like to think that it is Uncle Karzai in his office getting all caught up on news and shit and when he moogles "Mazar Donkey Races" to see if his wager on some young bacha is coming in and he comes across this site. Now obviously he thinks its fantastic, but because he is el presidente of the AFG, he cant let anyone know that he has a sense of humor. So he has to summin his minions and tell them that there is some awesomeness going down and it needs to "go to sleep"........ So he went ahead and blocked ole uncle lorli's blog, to make sure that the awesomeness that you see right in front of your eyes cannot be seen by any young impressionable Afghan minds, who in tern might also take up arms in awesomeness, and then we would have a mess.  Big Time. For the reals yall. 

In lieu of being banned, I am now in hiding, and will be doing my good work as a dissident and continue my writing from the war room, aka my bedroom. Wait.  Shit.  Shouldn't have disclosed that. Hold on a sec.

I am writing from secret location in Djibouti.  Yeah, thats the ticket.  Secret location in Djibouti.  

Road to Secret Hideout in Djiboutian Mountains

Can You Believe I Get WiFis in this HideOut???

All that talk about coming back to Mazar was just a clever ruse to keep The AFG Man on his toes.   I am not here, using learning a few Jedi tricks of my own:

 "No sirree, this is not the blog you are looking for. Just a couple of old friends talking about spicecake recipes and quilts, you know regular blog shit.  Nothing illegal here at all."

That should do the trick.   



Now that I am a dissident people have been asking all sorts of questions.  Out of the thousands I picked a few of my favorites and answered them for yall. The names of the askees have been keep anonymous to maintain anonymity and


Q. Hey there Rory, how does it feel being such a large and influential blog that needs to be banned? Did you know that watchful eyes feel threatened from the amazing truth bullets that trickle down your finger tips to the masses, and that potentially you might be the catalyst for the Blue and Arnge Revolution? Also how will you maintain your blogging roots while speaking about the the success of your works? 

A. Huh, what was that. I missed it. I was eating chips.


Q. Whats in your pockets?

A. This:
    -3 Phones, Like a Fucking Boss(AKA Baby Warlord Status!)

    -Some AFG loot and a crudely made wallet to hold my IDs(Don't worry Jru, I still rock the money clip, this is     just my out walking around cash, I use the official card carrier for power moves only)
   
    -Chapstick, cant be dissadenting with chapped lips guys, lets get real

    -Knife, mostly used to alter my clothing as needed but could also be used to eat peanut butter out  the jar

    -Keys Open Doors

Pretty Much All a Dude Needs in Djibouti

   
Q. How many Camels did it take to cross the road?

A-1. This many?

A-2. Or maybe just 1 big one and a donkey.

That's about all from the secret hideout in the Djiboutian highlands for now.  Here are a couple extra photos of stuff that I though was just irrelevant enough to keep the AFG Man off my scent. 

Keep Rockin and/or Rollin.

Lorli

Look Closely, "Its a Lifestyle Drink!"

Throwback From Last Years Bushkashi Party. Just Found This Gem.  Shameless Self Promotion, I Know.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

EveryBody Hearts St Arts

Corolla Mix Tapes

Whats up guys.  Not much here.  No really, like nothing at all really happening here.  Like really really really nothing happening here at all ever.  Its fucking boring as all hell to say the least. Outside of the obligitory 5 1/2 day work week, which is making huuuuuuge progress form the 6 day work week of Ktown I am pretty much melting my brainmeats away just trying to find things to keep myself entertained.

Sure I could write more blogs, but how many times do you want me to tell stories of crazy Afghan shit that will blow your mind.  I know it gets old, right.  Like come on, entertain us!  Well I can't  right now, or at least not until they dress the Blue Mosque up like Christmas, which is what I hear they do.  It already has the bright lights all around, but I hear there are some wondrous deer or reindeer that also get decorated.  Look forward to a post-holiday installment that chronicles how not even Afghanistan can kill the Christmas spirit.  Ho Ho Ho. 

In the mean time, here are some of the things that I have at my disposal which try and keep me busy: 2 restaurants for people like me(foreigners, and actually open after 7pm), 1 nintendo Wii, 1 gameboy, 3 dogs(+1 from before), 1 pishack, some roommates(although its always fluctuating how many), sometimes chocolate, sometimes beer, always a stomach ache.   Hmmmmmmm lets see what else.   When the internets work some Peyton Manning, when the internet doesn't work less Peyton Manning, a lot of skateboarding, growing a beard, cutting a beard.  These are just some of smaller things I try and use to keep me busy.  

All is not lost though, I've been keepin busy. Mix Tape Bizzzzzeeeeeeee!!!!!!

As you would like to think I roll round town like a boss expat, armour plated Humvee with gun turrets and laser scopes.  Nope. Aint me.  We have a couple rides in this hood, and in order to not look like a jerk, we keep it low key.  Like real low key.  For fancy driving we have the 4Runner with the 4 wheel drive, which makes us appear like a lower level warlord when cruising the mean streets of the Eisly. Since the main roads are few, the Runner gets some love in the rainier and snowier times, or if we have to move some perros around town. 

For more reglier drivin we have the clutches of most Afghan vehicles, the ever trusty always musty often busty Corolla. 

Yup thats right we gots a Corolla!

Like any self respecting dude/chick round these parts we are getting in where we fit in.

Check Them Rims.  Roomie T-Bird and I Reppin Hard!

Besides taking the restrictor plate off and letting the beast roar up and down the streets of Mos Eisly like a boss.  I have been working to create some mix CDs for the ride. Nothing makes cruising through a checkpoint more enjoyable than some good ole mix that keeps dudes from getting to deep into my bizniz.  Instead they are serenaded by some smooth sounds or some gangsta ass shit that keeps them from thinkin I am one of the badmen, and nothing but a good hearted Kharegee who is just on a cruise for some Cheetoz* (TM). 

There are some sweet Cheetos knock off around here, and they come in all shapes and sizes.  There are these lil ones, like MnM size that you can shove about fity in your mouth at a time, then there are some straight up puff knock offs which honestly blow the original out of the park.  So light and fluffy, and with zero trans fat, one can eat an entire bag and forget the whole "moment on the lips forever on the hips" thang. Then there are some other squarey ones that have a nice meat/cheese combo flavor and also some spicy Flaming hot knock offs too. All pretty much legit and all pretty much finding their way into my tum tum on a regualr basis.  All for about less than a buck per big bag and like less than a quarter per lil bag. 

Ahhh Cheetooz..........

How Many Types of Cheetoz Do You See Here?

Oh yeah, where was I. 

Oh here. 

Makin mix tapes. So I says to em I says, If you gonna bump it, make it loud and proud.  Also helps for a dude like me who looks like a dude from here to have a lil americana in the background, so I don't get asked a million questions in a language I have been too lazy to learn(Side note, learning Dari would prove a beneficial time waster, but really, it would just get in the way of making some discos which I can try and impress Dudes at military checkpoints with my acute musical knowledge, "Like yeah I know this cover is better than the original" or "Like yeah, this dude is pretty good but have you heard his other(first) band, its waaay more original(deep)"). These are the types of mixes I have been working on. 

So with new mixes in hand and dreams of grandeur all is good. Right. Wrong.  Just after completing what was to be some sweet driving tunes, I have come to realize that however my trusty puter burns discos, they don't work here. Its just that whatever version of vehicle we have here just doesn't want to be awesome, obviously.  And its not like the puter is broke, just ask Uncle Vince CDB.  He and I used to exchange some epic mixes, just blowing minds away with our monthly musical prowess (We have had to slow down a bit since he is a papa now, but one day Lil Waka Flaka C De Baca, when you are reading this just know your old man has impeccable taste in tunes). 

Pretty much they way things go here.  Come up with some sweet ideas and plans for something that is gonna rock some socks and melt some faces, only to find out it aint gonna work for whatever reason or another.  Everything from making dinner or getting to work on time or finding a beer or  ummmmmm maybe holding a national election, whatever it is aint gonna go as planned.  But sure as hell quite interesting to say the least. Its like putting them OM skills,  'member that Odyssey of the Mind nerd crew shit we all used to do back in the day, to work without the awkward costumes and 8 minute sketch.  Well, wait, there are kinda some weird costumes involved I guess at times....... 

Oh Yeah. Did I mention I went to the Donkey Races.  Nope.  Well Just Did.  It was Epic.

Kids on Donkeys, riding 60K across Balkh province.  With dudes( multiple dudes on 1 moto each to be specific) riding along with sticks to whip the burros to ultimate fastitude and all sorts of cars riding alongside. Big Cars, Lil Cars, Small Cars, Warlord Cars, Old Soviet Cars, all kinds of vehicles cruising around to see the young bachas race to the finish.  Even rumors of $10,000 bucks being bet on the riding prowess of youngsters.  Oh buddy, I hate to think what a warlord losing 10k on a fucking child on a donkey would do.......

Anywho, it was quite the treat to watch and honestly never seen nothing quite like it, so I got that going for me, which is nice.  Here are my friends who watched the epic race take place.

I had My Money on This Bacha! I lost :(

Note The Stick. 

These Dudes Were There.

This Kid Was Angry.

This Guy Was Stoked. The Other Was Cold.

Stadium Seating Yall!

This Guy Was Definitely There.

I Woulda Won the Race With My Trusty Steed.

Lota Nuthnin.

More Nuthin.  Lots of Nuthin Here.

XOXO
Feliz Navidad
Rorito

Bizare Ride ii the Mazaaarcyde

Sup Dudettes and Dudes.  It has been officially one month in Mazar-e-Sharif. People be all like whats your new place like, how many skyscrapers are there, what sort of cool stuff is going down? Is there a Friday Night Fish Fry that you get your grub on the reg? Where is the closest BK, and do they have croissanwiches(Actually there is one here at the base with Whoppers TM galore for all our fightin folks over here).  And So on And So Forth.

 Well to answer these queries and more, I have officially come to the conclusion that the best way to describe to yalls my new desert paradise is by imagining the town of Mos Eisley on the delightful desert planet of Tatooine in Star Wars. You 'member Mos Eisly right? Its the magical town where Obi Wan takes lil Luke and they meet that roguish Han Solo and the lovable Chewy.  Its all dusty and filled with mercenaries, gangsters, imperial guards, greedos and cantina folk, young jedis, old jedis, yada yada yada.  Well guess what, this place pretty much has all the same stuff, plus an amazing Blue Mosque which is beautiful.

See Told Ya.


I digress, back to the Mos Eisley chit chat. I have come up with a way to better describe the folks inhabiting my new spot.

Gangsters. Check( although officially referred to as Warlords, and this place is full of them. Everything from low level minions cruising around to High Level Generalissimo's in full convoy) 

Mercenaries. Check( aka military contractors. These are the dudes who are in the know about all the good stuff. Usually ex-military from some point in their lives, they now make a living keeping folks like the gangsters and cantina folk safe from the bad men)

Imperial Guards. Check( got the German Base here with plenty of soldiers and for extra fun times and all the illegal pig products one could want)

Greedos. Check( my guess is that there is at least one trixy-double-crossing dude here.  Just try buying stuff at the market.  Amazing the shit people pull.  Was looking at a belt the other day and the dude wanted 40 dollars for it.  It had a nail, a fucking nail for a buckle and was made of scrap leather  So yes, looking at it that way, there are plenty of greedos here)

Cantina Folk. Check( I would give this to the expat crowd here, as we are the only ones partaking in the 2 "Cantina's" in Mazar, buying overpriced beers, and there is even a dude who brings his guitar to every expat function to play music quite similar to this: http://starwars.com/watch/episode_4_creature_cantina.html  He also plays a stunning cover of Elvis Prezzly's "In the Ghetto."  Ever hear that song sung by a Swiss dude, "As the snow flies, On a cold and gray Chicago mornin'
A poor little baby child is born........."  Off key and in a foreign accent)

Young and Old Jedis. Probably Check( I have yet to see one in the flesh, I figure there is some dudes all like "These aren't the droids you are looking for".  Then I realized that we drive through checkpoints on the daily, and flash a kharagee smile, and get waved through like we got mind control.  All like, "Yo we are not the Talibs you are looking for."  Whoa, maybe we are jedis.  Shit yeah, I have always wanted to be a jedi, or possibly a dude who has an intergalactic spaceship and nicely feathered hair. Either way not bad)

In my Mazar/Mos Eisley home we cannot go around shooting wamp rats in Beggar's Canyon for fun, but I have heard that there are some interesting animal fights I can partake in for leisurely gambling. So far I have heard of dog fights, cock fights, bird fights, and camel fights( also lets not forget the human fights taking place on the reg here).  I have yet to see any myself, but if enough fan mail comes in for a fighting critter post, then you best believe that I will make it happen.  I got nothin else to do honestly.

Technically there are some impromptu dog fights every fucking night outside of our house.  But I am pretty sure these are not for any betting purposes, but rather dogs fighting for the best bits from the garbage dump outside the front gates and to equally keep me from slumbering into dreamland.  Did I forget to mention we have a garbage dump outside the front gates, hmmmmmmm, musta slipped my mind.  But yes, just like Bodia, livin next to garbage again. 

Tusken Raider Territory

Jawa House

Deserty Goodness

Also in this magical land there are some new and fun stories in which I can send your way, some of which I have witnessed directly and another which a friend of a friend who knows this guy who knows this girl who saw Ferris pass out at 31 Flavors last night, so you know it must be legit. 

Story 1. Coupla days ago, we was doing some driving through downtown Mos Eisely and as per the usual there are some lil beggar kids asking for some cash. Now per company policy we dont give loot to the lil street bachas, as it only perpetuates a cycle of street begging, yada yada.  Well this particular day there was also a wedding caravan cruising through at the same time.  This wedding caravan also got hit up for some monies, and instead of just ignoring the youngster, a Grown Ass Man got out the car and began to beat the child.  No fucking joke. Punching with grown up angry fists of fury, on a child.  Nobody even batted an eye on the busy street, business as usual.  Dude got back in his caravan, probably went and found himself a bacha bazi http://afpak.foreignpolicy.com/posts/2013/10/28/an_afghan_tragedy_why_rampant_pedophilia_is_a_hurdle_to_peace  This place is fucking crazy.

Story 2.  Coupla days before a coupla days ago, there were some youngsters you lost their kite over the wall at work. Since it is kite fighting season, did I forget to mention that they fight inadiment objects here too, my B, there is all sorts of kites flying through the daytime sky.  So on this day I am walking to the park for a lil afternoon shred session, and see two bachas pointing at a kite on the ground.  Now with my extremely limited Dari, I still understood, "Yo dude, hook us up and give us back the kite so we can get back to playing." So I obliged, picked up the kite and began to hand it over to the youngsters hanging on the fence.  Little did I know that they were not in cahoots on this kite flying mission, but rather both trying to get me to give them the kite.  I passed the kite into their lil hands and as they both grabbed for it and then tore it to pieces trying to take it from the other.  No kites for nobody.  This isn's a great story honestly, but I like to think of it as a mini-microcosm of this entire place, like my own lil morality tale. 

Kite Fightin Yall

Story 3. This shit is so good that one cannot even fathom how to make it up, as it would be almost too hard to come up with. FYI its probably PG 18 or more for its salacious content. A friend of mine Kate told me this story: One of her colleagues who is fluent in Dari, although he is not Afghan, overheard her organizations drivers discussing stuff drivers discuss at lunch.  This days lunch discussion was regarding one drivers wifey problems.  To be more specific this, his wife during intercourse was "too" lubricated which he didn't like whatsoever.  His solution to this problem, instruct his wife to put sand into her "area" in order to dry things up, as we all know sand has this amazing quality. Got an oil spill, add some sand, knock over a gallon of milk, add some sand.  Wife too moist, youbetcha, sand. With me so far? Now things take another fun and amazing turn, the couple then continues to make whoopie after the desertification of the wife's reproductive organs.  What happens as the result, the man now has some sort of rash on his junk from the sandy sex, which he is now currently upset with his wife about, and discussing over lunch with other drivers and listening ears. 

You are now free to enjoy your day.


Khodafez.

Lorli

Street Horsey

Mean Streets of Mos Eisley

SpeederBike!

One of Tatooine's 2 Suns

The other of Tatooine's 2 S

HI.

Howdy, Hi there.  How have you been? You look good, have you been working out? New shirt, it looks good on you, and I really like what you have done with your hair.  It looks great, and really brings out your eyes. 

Many moons since we pulled out the puterbox and and just chatted, ya know like talked about us. Well I am sorry for that, I really am, its my fault, not yours.  Really is, honest.  I know this is a two way street, and without me looking out for your needs, well its just me being selfish. 

I really wasn't looking at any other blogs or anything, ok, well maybe a few, but really it was just looking, nothing more I promise.  I didn't subscribe to any, and usually used a private browser and Norton Antivirus (tm) just to be safe.  Never know where some of these other blogs have been, and honestly better safe than sorry. 

I just, ya know, was in a weird place, ya know. Like I was just needing some time to get my thoughts together and see if you were the blog that I wanted to be with.  I mean like foreverever.  With this time away I realized that a blogs are never perfect, but that's what I like about you.  You might not have all these fancy pop ups or Huuuuuuge Bannners. You are plain, simple, kinda funny, a bit awkward, and there is beauty that I find in that. Your not perfect, but you are mine.   I heart you, I have always hearted you, and if you will, heart you for a much longer time. 

Phewwwww, now that I have that off my chest lets get down to biznizzzzzz.  Lets see, its about 6am, jetlag working like a champ, and starting the day off right with news of Uncle Pey Peys next victory, always a treat.  I am in my new home away from home away from home Mazar-e-Sharif, or Mes for short. 

Lets try and pronounce it together, Say it with me now: M...........................es, M......................es, M.................es, M...............es, M......es, M........es, M....es, M..es,
Mes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy nom nom nom nom nom, cooooooooookies.  Ok there was my cookie monster reference for today. 

For those of you not in the know, Mes is in the norf of the AFG, a akwardly sketchy 45 minute flight over the Hindu Kush, or an even awkwardly 8-15 hour drive through badman land.  I will opt for the flight yall, it comes with an awkward sammich and a free Mountain Dew, take that United Airlines! 45 minutes and free snacks, boom.  What you got. 

Mes, is a sleepy town, with less Kabooms than Kabuuul, and where I will be spending my time for the next lil bit.  Although I am just getting to know this lovely city, I wanted to show you around my new locale that I be chillen with.  New digs, New dawgs.

No Ricky and Cookie here, but we do have a couple of young guns here learning the ropes on how to keep the bad men away.  Behold Ice(AKA Iceman in my book) and Julie(AKA Merlin in my book).  These are just a couple youngins trying to protect the skies with their deft and daring moves. They're dangerous, and I like it.

Pishak The Destroyer.  Honestly I really don't like gatos, and until this lil one stops biting my toes and jumping all up on my shit, he/she/it will not be called by a real name, only Pishak, which means gato in Dari.

Horsies. Yes Horsies!  Although these are not our own horsies, they do live right behind our casa and wake me up bright and early.  Not sure their names yet, but since they are buskashi horsies I assume there is a Bitrey among them just waiting to get his choppers working for the upcoming matches.

Casablanca.  Yes this is the palace in which I reside.  No LandCrusher, but the 4 Runner does a legit job. 

My Garden, where I find my inner self amongst the roses or just lounge on the bedy type thing in the back.  *actually haven't really spent any time there, only enough to take this photo.  

Mes. No Instgramy filters here, just some plain old high desert haze.

Things Green Eyes is gonna miss while in the Mes:

Fun.
Nachos.
Babes.
Fun.
Broncos.
Phils.

That is pretty much about what I got so far in this week.  Since I made a lot of promises to be a betterer bloggerer this time round you best belee dat I am already scheming on some newness already.

Three Words: Mos Eisly Cantina.  Just you wait. 

XOXo
Me 

NO PHOTOS PLEASE!

Whaaaaaaats Up!  Howdy folks its been many moons since I last got my Angela Lansbury on hit the ole keyboard/pad/shiny things.  Sorry for that, I feel that I have let myself down, and more importantly you all.  Won't happen again, I will kinda promise that to you right now. 

How's things? Yeah, I know I miss you too, no no, you keep going.  Uh huh, Uh huh,  well that sounds nice.  Really you don't say. Wow that is interesting.  I know, right, don't get me started on her......  Oh, enough about you, you want to hear about me.

Well, I am back in the Bodia keeping as fresh and clean as possible, given my current sweaty conditions.  Almost forgot the fun amount of skin ailements and tumrumbs that come along with living life on the equator or close enough to it.  Almost being the key word here.  Almost. 

I have been keeping busy, mostly catching up with some old amigos, meetin some new ones, and remembering how to drive a moto properly.  More importantly I have been scheming on a pretty fun and interctaive blog post yall.  It was gonna be great, real great, maybe the best one I have ever concocted.  Another key word here, was. 

You see I had been snapping photos of everything that you could buy on this side of the planet for a $1, 1 Buck, 4 Quarters, 10 Dimes, 20 Nickles, and really who the fuck cares about 100 Pennies, honestly that's just annoying.  And it wasn't just gonna be about you get this 1 thingy for one dollar.  You know me better than that, it was gonna be all sorts of highfalutin math equations in which I would grab my Bob Barker skinny microphone, harass a couple females, and give you items like beer, ice coffee with condensed milk( by the way have you ever seen anybody catch type-2 diabeetez in just under four months, nope, well just wait I am on my way cuz I can easilly crush about 3-12 a day and am well on my way), pork and rice, petrol, bags of green drink, cups of green drink, babies(you think Angie paid more than a buck each for all thems, come on get real), moto rides, ice cubes, fried bugs, and whathaveyou.  Then you all would need to come up with the best combination for me to spend that dollar, each day of the week for like 2 days or something like that. Had yet to work out the finer points, besides I had the best part, photos of all these wonderous things.  Remember our key word?  Ok. yes, the second key word.  Sorry didn't clarify that before.  Was.  

So Uncle Roary, why didn't this fun for the whole family event never hit the blogosphere?  Cuz I got my phonebox slash picture machine jacked by a Vietnamese temptress, aka Srey Chow Vietnam( thats how you say Vietnamese Temptress in Khmer).  Long story shorter.  My roommate Lek Lek and I were waking home on the late late. We were a block or two from our hotel, when... Pow! Round the corner come a pack of female Vietnamese She-Devils, don't get em confused with the male Vietnamese She-Devils, which is an entirely different story.  These She-Devils looked normal and ordinary, but came in hard and started grabbing all on my goodies and not so goodies, asking if I wanted a "Massage" and I was like ewwwwww, cuz they were pretty sketchy looking( have you ever seen a Vietnamese She-Devil, not pretty, although the non she-devils are quite pleasant and smell nice) and I really didn't want a massage either, it was late and I was pretty ty ty.  Well after successfully(or so I thought) fending the wild pack of She-Devils off and another block or two, I noticed something. Akmean iPhone. Uncle Lorli had been hoodwinked :( 

While a few of these She-Devils had been grabbing at me like I was a piece of fruit-by-the-foot, another slyly stolt my phone.  The ole distracto move.  So anyways, after realizing it was gone, using my puter to call Amurica and the phone peeps, that its not me making all sorts calls to Hoi An and Hanoi, I realized my saddest moment, all my precious blog fotos "was" on that phone.  So its kinda like you lost your iPhone too. 

All is not lost kiddos, nosiree, we will just have to use our imaginatron's for future blogging purposes, until I get my shit together and find a new camera and or phonera out this way. 

Now before I go, I am going to get something off my chest, Bruce McCulluch style, with an Open Letter to Srey Chow Vietnam, cuz I know you gots the internet lady, its on my fucking phone: 


Dear Srey Chow Vietnam,

Don't pretend like you don't remember me, yeah me.  They guy in the pink shirt, blue pantalones, and blanco spaitchuns. The guy whose phone you and your pack of She-Devils stole.  What you think I didn't need that phone, like maybe my pants were too high, and I was just using it to weigh em down a lil?  Well no thats not the case, obviously you know that, why else would you steal it, its a high grade piece of future technology made by slave labor. 

It's got maps on there, which I used to navigate your city and mostly away from you and your She-Devils.  It also has a bunch of games on there too, some of which I had put a lot of effort into.  Like my Temple Run score, I know you are a thief, but honestly you gotta respect those numbers right.   I would prefer that you start a new character from the beginning on that one, as to not soil my good name with your obvious soon to be poor performance. 

Lets talk about tunes, you were lucky enough to steal a phone loaded chalk full with some really fun playlists, and maybe some new music that you are now really into.  When you tell your other hipster She-Devils, that you have been listening to the new Tame Impala album for months and waaaaaaay before them other She-Devils was all into it, stop for a moment and thank me, the guy whose phone you stolt.  You are fucking welcome.  

Picture capabilities are decent, I had fun with it, now I guess you will too.  You might be like whats with all these fotos on here, and I am like those are my memories biyatch, thanks for taking them too.  You see its not just a box of tungsten bits minced together to make it so you can talk to people, actually quite clearly halfway across the world, oh no.  There is a heart and soul in there, and it was mine.  And no its yours I guess.

Also, just in case you drop it while you are trying to jack some other dude just walkin home for some shut eye, or get caught in a rainstorm, of which you and I both know there are many, just thank the Otterbox case, newly purchased I might add, which will keep it cozy, safe, and dry.  Its blue too, which I think compliments the phone nicely, and will hopefully contrast with your evil red eyes. 

Now don't pretend like you ain't reading this, I know you have the internet, its on my fucking phone, and its already got the password for wifi to any Trung Nguyen coffee shop in Saigon.  My hope is that you are sitting in one of them cafes when you are reading this, and your Cafe Sua Da is only mediocre and possibly has some out of date condensed milk in it that gives you some tumrumbs fierce( I don't want you to die or anything, just some mild discomfort really). 

Well Srey Chow, I feel a bit better after venting, thanks for at least listening, I coulda put it on a podcast too, as you have that capability now too, obviously.  If we meet again I at least expect a hearty thank you, and a coupon for that free massage that you promised.

XOXO
Lorli

FILECARD: TJ

CODE NAME:
TARGAH JAN aka TJ
Security Badass

File Name: Abdul Rasul          SN: Classified

Primary Military Specialty: Mujahadeen, Skateistan Security Guard

Secondary Military Specialty: Taming Wild Beasts, Keeping it Real for the Really Reals

Birthplace: Jawzjan, Afghanistan                   

                                                                                    Grade: A+ Afghan Ninja
___________________________________________________________________________

Targah Jan honed his combat skills fighting for the Mujahadeen against the Talibs in the 1990's. Keepin his wits about him in the field and commanding a marauding northern militia and wielding the AK-47 like it was, well and AK-47.  TJ was also at one point captured by said Talibs, I think in Pakistan from the intel, and during his years being a captive actually began to teach his captors the Koran( just going out on a limb here, a faction of folks who blow up lil girls for going to school, probably can't read too gooder. Want some facts to back me up: literacy rate in the province of AFG runs under 34% according to the UN. Boom. There you go.).  Once he was free of the BadMen, he worked in Iran in construction, and I think later in Pakistan again, but this time as a Free Man.   He later went back to his roots of being a badass, working with Abdul's family as a Security Guard.  On his way to another job in Iran, Ole Targah  happened to get an interview with a bunch of white people with skateboards and well the rest is pretty much history. The man has been keepin the streets of K-Town safe for me and my homeys ever since.* 
____________________________________________________________________________

Qualified Expert: Growing a beard, starting fires( dude can start a fire with his eyes), making conversation, killing goats( promised to kill a goat for me if I ever come and visit him in Jawzjan), Ping Pong( dudes a natural from what I have been told), Golf( see ping pong), Crushing MTN Dew( 1 Dew Targa-strong like bull, 2 Dew well that's one Dew too many)
____________________________________________________________________________

"He's generally regarded as the primo-baddest dude of all the G.I. Joes.  When we need somebody to sneak up on a class A, major bad guy and pop a can of butt-kick on him, Targah is the man for the job.  The bad guy could be in a fortess on top of a sheer cliff, but that wouldn't bother ole Targah none! He'd just whip out his handy grapping hook missile use it to shimmy his way up the cliff face until he cornered the culprit, threw him down and took his name."**

"Most Folks will get mad on occasion or at least get irritable- not Targah. He thinks anger is a waste of time and energy.  Rage clouds his vision and pollutes his magic. Fury impairs judgement and makes you careless.  The results of anger are totally unacceptable to Targah.  He doesn't get angry..... he gets even."**

"What can you say about a good-guy who goes bump in the night? The man is the baddest dude in the valley. He scares pit bulls! He should wear a sign on his chest that says, 'Don't mess, PERIOD!' The bad guys would like to see him declared illegal under the Geneva Conventions.  On the other hand, he is kind to small animals....."**


* So this is pretty much all true shit, I aint lying yall. And when I say pretty much, I mean as stories told to me from folks like my amigo Abdul who have known Targah for many moons.  I can only imagine what type of other stuff he has gotten into over the years, and if I ever learned Dari or Uzbeki I just might find out.  This dude has been to hell and back and now lives a pretty cushy life chillen with my dawgs, Ricks and Cooks, getting his mosque on as he is a very pious man, and pretty much being one of the raddest dudes I have ever encountered in my years on this planet.  Nuff said.


**So these are actually from G.I. Joe but they were sooooo amazing that I had to steal them. The rest is pretty much factually truth serum. 


                                                         Here is the man in action.

New Digs! Check the Karzai Coat!

Movin Wood

YUP

Couple O'gentlemen in Purp