How The Other Half Live

Its whistle time here in Mazar this evening.  Whats whistle time you must be thinking, and well its like this.  Since we live down the road from the Police station, they like to keep the hood clean as a whistle(get it get it!).  So round now, exactly 8:44pm you hear some whiiisslin, not like me being bored putzing around the casa, but like a real deal whistle, Ed Hochuili style .  But what does it all mean Rory?  Well it means that my man is cruising the streets letting people know that he is on the prowl keeping an eye out for the badmen.  Think of him as a modern day Dark Knight, but instead of handy utility belt, he probably has a whistle and a nokia phone, like the first celly cell you had, thats probably about it.  It's kinda comforting to know that this dude is cruising around MeS, battling the packs of wild dawgs, rampant late night popcorn sellers, and keeping uncle Lorli safe while sleeping the evening away in what is shaping up to quite an upgrade in the bed department. Thank you USAID and the American taxpayers, yall got me sleeping like a baby.

So what else has been happening here. Hmmmmm. Lemmmme see....  We got a new house which is a bit awkward, as I think it was formerly a school and has all sorts of signs around, which I have not a clue what they say.  There is even street signs for our defunct school all over the hood, which is kinda fun. I have been getting pretty good at starting fires to keep me warm in what is shaping up to be a mild winter by this CO bachas assessment. Hmmmm. What else..... Oh yeah we went to the military base, AKA Camp Marmal, the other day which was a treat.  Kinda like seeing how the other half lives and trying to dip a toe into the life of what most of the foreigners who are in this country get involved in.  Its pretty wild, no headscarves on the babes, pork ribs, and also because this is a German base, beer!  Yes, German soliders get 2 beers a night, not a joke, its like a German law or something. 

Imagine nothing but gigantors walking around in camo and guns, with nowhere to go but chill and play like bat-mitten and shit. Outside of the beers, its a pretty probably a pretty boring gig, unless you only get to go to the base like once every few months, like me. Then its a fucking paradise, with gummy bears and chewing tobacco!  Think of any of the things that most people use to pass the time, and they got em.  Model planes, got em fo sho.  Magic the Gathering (TM), got em.   Plus you can get a good amount of the goodies that are nearly impossible to get, like gummy bears and fancy chocolates for when you have a case of the Mondays.

Thats Enough Jerky For An Army!!!(Get It!!!)

 

Heaters and Lung Darts

But the real good stuff they got probably doesn't go in your mouth.  Oh no.  There are shops here were the good men and women in the fighting world can get goodies to bring back to let people know they have been in the "shit."  And guess what, it is extremely offensive and definitely interesting to see.  Want to know how to convince 18 year olds that killing people is totally ok, make some offensive and racist T-shirts, which build up negative stereotypes of who are some quite amazing people(I know, I am lucky enough to work with a bunch everyday).  Feed enough of this stuff to them and boom, you got yourself a warrior.

Sounds Like a Nice Countryside Ride

If Only America Was Cool With Guns and Bikes, This Would be Seen Daily

YUP

Yall Know There's Gotta Be Some Angry Birds Up In Hur!!

So what else did I do at the base? You bet I took a bunch more photos, which I think is definitely illegal, got some eats at the cafeteria, and then got involved military exercises with the ISAF approved Mongolian Soldiers.  Whats that like? Well a whole bunch of big ass Mongolian soldiers go running around with guns, setting up their position in the chance of there being an attack.  Want to know whats even more fun?  When you don't really realize that they are doing military exercises, and start to think some shit is going down and you are kinda near the front lines.  Fun Times indeed.  Want to know what else is kinda fun, getting yelled at by the German police for staying past guest curfew.  Some big ole police dudes actin tough and the only words you can make out are Ze Conseqvenzes in between some blah blah blah.  Technically ze conseqvenzes were for my friends who took us there, but ze vere not too bad.  All in a good day at the base!

Want to see what base life is like?  Wait no more and feast your eyes on these. 

I Wonder How Long Its Closed For?

This Military Store

This is Heater and Jerky Store

Can't Think He Was Really the "Best" if I Found This Here

Bang Bang, Whats The Hang!

Babes and Gunz for Those Cold Lonely Nights

Murika!

Vatch Out For Ze German Poliz

Eh, Base Road

Was Much Better Than it Looks, Mostly for Pork Products

One is Espresso One is Jello, Both Delicious

John Stay Moist.  Best Sticker Prolly in the Entire Country

Next Installment: The Return of Coach Burke!

LETS GO CHEFS!!!!

Reverso fall time has things heating up nicely down south.  Instead of punkin spice lattes and coldness, its rapidly becoming jort weather and time for uncle lorli to start breaking out the gunshow on the reg.   Been going to the boxing gym yall, getting these badboys read to impress the babes fo sho.  While I am out cutting off the sleeves on any shirt I have and yall are getting the sniffles, we can share one nice commonality, Football!!

That is correct, football season is in full swing here in SA, and being the aficianado that I am for things with balls, I have adopted a new team to root for in addition to my long standing allegiance to the Peyton Manning TD Show(Ever try wearing a Broncos sweater in 90 degree heat? my Sundays have me getting a bit steamy cruising round town reppin the hometown boys).  My New squad is the Chiefs, no not the hapless red and yellow chumps from down 1-70, but rather the Yellow and Black on SA's finest football team, the Kaizer Chiefs (and did I mention reigning champs- come on gotta back a winner when jumping a bandwagon). 

How did I choose this new allegiance you wonder?  Well it all has to do with my amigo Solly, who I expressed interest in the idea of going to a game one saturday afternoon working and making sure the skate ramp built on top of the building will keep boards from falling 3 stories down into the fish and chips shop below, that would be bad.  I asked him about the games, and Solly told me lets go tonight, I will get the tickets, get you a jersey, and you will root for the Chiefs.   Not much of a hard decision to make.  So we did, and now a few games later, I can officially say I am a die hard fan, with more than 1 article of Chief gear.  Already have 1 jersey, 1 street T, and some arm sleeves to protect the gun show from rain showers and/or just make me look sweet on demand.  I will be taking orders for Chiefs gear upon my return home, so just send shirt or gun size and it shall be done. 

Now that I have made this decision to root for the Chiefs, I haven't regretted a single moment. Besides the sheer fact of being a winning team, Chiefs games also get wild with fan support which your eyeballs will process in word and photo form shortly. 

Ok here. Top 13 reasons I am, and you should be, a Chiefs Fan!

1. The coolest people are Chief Fans, including amigos Solly, Ayanda and Masasa.

2. So is this Guy!

3. And these guys too!

4. They enter the field to one of my all-time favorite jams, R Kelly's "Worlds Greatest"

5. They have great fan services, during and after life.

6. They are the Champs!

7. They are a South African with a Native American Chief logo, Dan Snyder eat your heart out, aint nobody calling for boycotts here!

8. This is how goals are celebrated.

9. Vuvazelas are a real fucking thing and yes Blakey you are getting one for xmas.

ALL THIS

FOR THIS

10. The beer lines get so hectic, that people will literally rip clothes off each other to get another glass of that sweet sweet football fuel.


11. I get to run my mouth to Pirates fans(Who are the other squad in town and not reigning champs, fucking losers!)

12. They are putting their foot down on counterfit gear in what might possibly extremely racist fashion.

13. Um, These guys too, and check the beard on dude on the left.  Legit.

Amakhosi 4 Life!

Big Time Down South

Howdy Folks! How yall doing on that side of life. Things here are prettty decent these days in the life of good ole me. Days are getting warmer and nights are getting shorter, which means summer times a coming. Yeah like a whole nother summer, and about 8 more months of Jorts!!! Whole lotta man thigh gonna be dropping soon. 

Where do these lucky people live who get to see some sweet thigh action in all its glory? Well it will be south of the equator in a lil place called Africa, South Africa to be exact. Been here just about a month which has given me enough brain fuel to write my first African blog and do some squat thrusts to tone up a bit before I break out the pasty white-faded denim combo about to rock peeps to the core. Made my way down south after a whirlwind of a trip to Amurrica for lil Baby Wolfeyes Aka Mr Little Jeans glorious nuptial.  Quite a hoot and definitely one of the longest/besest weeks to date!

Yay!

So my guess is yall people are like whats it like down there? Are there lions and gazelles just straight chillen on the block? Whats the local eating scene like? How hot is it? Give us some juicy details!

Well there are no live critters around, but what could soon be my newest favorite watering hole has quiet few.   One dude shot and killed pretty much one of each of this continents innocent, soft, furry, lovable animals.  Probably gonna be a whole separate post, because I need to start going more often and figuring what the fuck is really happening there. Its pretty amazinglyawesome and I need to get in good with the proprietor in order to get stories to go along with the photos to be tooken. 

Enough of that jazz. Now listen up closely yall, I want to tell a secret, and its kindofa biggie.  You ready.  OK.  

I HAVE FINALLY MADE IT BIGTIME!!!!!!!  Like bigger than when I thought I was above the law in Bodia!

How have I achieved this you ask? Well let me tell you.  I as a 34 year old dude(yes that is correct 34) I have officially moved back into the dorms!  Fuck Yes you heard right.  I am a 34 year old living in college dorms down here in JoBurg. 

Want to know what I call that, Livin The Fuckin Dream! 

In my mind I kinda like to think of myself as a younger, more roughish, less entertaining Rodney Dangerfield in that one movie from the 80's, and believe me hilarity and hijinks have definitely ensued in the past month.  

I have already been on 4 panty raids with a the new pledges, and we have yet to get caught, although the RA on the third floor is starting to suspect what me and the boys have been up to.  From my fine days at CU (Ranked #1 Partay School in the Nation For Your Info Verification: http://www.dailycamera.com/ci_17835587  Thanks Mom and Dad!  Your $$$ Was Not Wasted).

I have been  teaching all the young bucks and buckettes how to make some dang delish and refined jungle juice(We like to use fresh squeezed OJ and bitters and a touch of cinnamon in our batches to give it that fancy, yet still effective, craft cocktail flavor and penache. Blowing Minds with this stuff yall), holding vicious beer pong training sessions, and finally we have a weekly class making all kinda of different bongs.  Beer Bongs, Reglier Weed Bongs, Castle Light Bongs, Rhino Horn Bongs, we are literally making bongs out of all sorts of things here!

We have yet to break into the deans office, but that is coming right quick once they get their midterm grades, come on I just live in the dorms, I don't go to classes like some 34 year old weirdo. No thank you, I am just fine hanging out with all the youngings when all the shenanigans are going down! Not weird at all. 

In the mean time I have been keepin busy and my best to avoid my hippie tree-huggin recyling neighbors. Man who woulda thought there would be hippies down here makin all sorts of racket.  Just kidding, there are no hippies here, Thank Gawd! But there is a crazy recycling crew that live outside my window. One of the old dudes that lives there gestures for me to come inside some afternoons, but I have yet to take him up on the offer. That might also be a whole nuther blog in itself, when I finally get the huevos to venture there. Lotta thangs to get into in my new locale!

Tree Huggin Recycling Plant

                      Here is a lil sneak peak into what my new life looks like in all its glory.  

Dorm Building in White. 

Gates to Keep the Rif Raf Out and the 34 Year Olds In!

Dorm Mascot!

Super Chill Kitchen(Humans Added For Scale)

Chillax Living Room(Humans Added For Scale)

Lions Den(Thats Definitely Sounds Like Where the Cool 34 Year Old on the 4th Floor Resides to Me)

Whoa.  How Did This Get in Here.  Gotta be Those Dam Alpha Beta's! Always Playing Pranks!  Got Me This Time! 

This Guy Had Waaaaayyyyyyy Too Much Juice at Freshman Hazing Fiesta! (Also Had His Shoes Stolen, No Joke)

JoBurg By Day

Jozi By Night(Jozi Sounds Like a Smooth Jazz Club, So Thats Why Its Used For The Nighttime)

Well I am off to go and see if we can craft a new more-serious high-propulsion beer bong for this weekends Dorm Wars! 4th Floor Gonna Reign Supreme!

Next Installment: Kaizer Chiefs, My New Squad!

Blocked!!!!!!!!!

Sup in that '14 amigooos?

Word.

Really?

That what went down?

No way, I can't believe she did that.  Well Kinda......

Me, well I have been trying out a new lifetag in the first few months: FELINE FREE 14!  Not sure how it is gonna stick but probably gonna roll with it for a bit longer and see whats up. So far this ano I have been out of AFG, leaving Pishak the Destroyer in the dust, only to find myself in the Feline Full Istanbul.  Out of the frying pan and into the fire as my man Baggins says.  But then I was lucky enough to make it to Germany for a few cozy weeks. Berlin for all its hipness still gets down and dirté as proper Germany.  By that  Spending a few weeks in an entire country filled of sausage and beer, sounds like like paradise right? Makes one wonder who wouldn't want to have a country filled to the brim with deliciousness. 

Say it Proud: Feline Free 14!

Maybe there is one... The AFG to be precise. They don't want thems heres, but my real question is have they ever had thems, cuz if so I can fucking guarantee that it would be on just about every table and in most mouths.  My guess is that someone somewhere told somebody that it was real bad news bears and boom, illegal. No questions asked, or it might have a bigger religious significance, maybe. Either way, hose two things are uber-illegal in these part(Insert funny expat folk tale. Sposedly there is a pig at the Kabul zoo, which no Afghan is allowed to touch, and only an infidel is able to take care of, so as long as the pig is there, technically there will be at least one foreigner in this land). Makes it pretty epic when you come across either, which honestly isn't too hard if you have the right amigos. Which at times I do.

This is What I Miss. Frown Face Yall.

These Guys Were There!!!

Whats new with me is your query? Well actually some big I have some breaking news for everyone.  Like pretty epic stuff. My roomie Tbird was checking out an installment of the bloggiest of blogs and came across something extra interesting.  VayaConDoritos has been banned!!!!  Thats right, banned, blocked, illegal as all hell in the AFG!!!!!!!

I have finally made it!!!!!!!

Now I am not sure by whom, but most likely the internet company there, Etisalat has deemed it inappropriate.   Although I would like to think that it is Uncle Karzai in his office getting all caught up on news and shit and when he moogles "Mazar Donkey Races" to see if his wager on some young bacha is coming in and he comes across this site. Now obviously he thinks its fantastic, but because he is el presidente of the AFG, he cant let anyone know that he has a sense of humor. So he has to summin his minions and tell them that there is some awesomeness going down and it needs to "go to sleep"........ So he went ahead and blocked ole uncle lorli's blog, to make sure that the awesomeness that you see right in front of your eyes cannot be seen by any young impressionable Afghan minds, who in tern might also take up arms in awesomeness, and then we would have a mess.  Big Time. For the reals yall. 

In lieu of being banned, I am now in hiding, and will be doing my good work as a dissident and continue my writing from the war room, aka my bedroom. Wait.  Shit.  Shouldn't have disclosed that. Hold on a sec.

I am writing from secret location in Djibouti.  Yeah, thats the ticket.  Secret location in Djibouti.  

Road to Secret Hideout in Djiboutian Mountains

Can You Believe I Get WiFis in this HideOut???

All that talk about coming back to Mazar was just a clever ruse to keep The AFG Man on his toes.   I am not here, using learning a few Jedi tricks of my own:

 "No sirree, this is not the blog you are looking for. Just a couple of old friends talking about spicecake recipes and quilts, you know regular blog shit.  Nothing illegal here at all."

That should do the trick.   



Now that I am a dissident people have been asking all sorts of questions.  Out of the thousands I picked a few of my favorites and answered them for yall. The names of the askees have been keep anonymous to maintain anonymity and


Q. Hey there Rory, how does it feel being such a large and influential blog that needs to be banned? Did you know that watchful eyes feel threatened from the amazing truth bullets that trickle down your finger tips to the masses, and that potentially you might be the catalyst for the Blue and Arnge Revolution? Also how will you maintain your blogging roots while speaking about the the success of your works? 

A. Huh, what was that. I missed it. I was eating chips.


Q. Whats in your pockets?

A. This:
    -3 Phones, Like a Fucking Boss(AKA Baby Warlord Status!)

    -Some AFG loot and a crudely made wallet to hold my IDs(Don't worry Jru, I still rock the money clip, this is     just my out walking around cash, I use the official card carrier for power moves only)
   
    -Chapstick, cant be dissadenting with chapped lips guys, lets get real

    -Knife, mostly used to alter my clothing as needed but could also be used to eat peanut butter out  the jar

    -Keys Open Doors

Pretty Much All a Dude Needs in Djibouti

   
Q. How many Camels did it take to cross the road?

A-1. This many?

A-2. Or maybe just 1 big one and a donkey.

That's about all from the secret hideout in the Djiboutian highlands for now.  Here are a couple extra photos of stuff that I though was just irrelevant enough to keep the AFG Man off my scent. 

Keep Rockin and/or Rollin.

Lorli

Look Closely, "Its a Lifestyle Drink!"

Throwback From Last Years Bushkashi Party. Just Found This Gem.  Shameless Self Promotion, I Know.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

EveryBody Hearts St Arts